![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Title: Protect Me
Author: ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
andrew_in_drag
Pairing: Kaoru x Toshiya
Rating: mature
Warnings: sex, rudeness, swears, boyish attitudes, AU
Chapter: 18/23
Previously: prologue >> one >> two >> three >> four >> five >> six
>> seven >> eight >> nine >> ten >> eleven >> twelve >> thirteen
>> fourteen >> fifteen >> sixteen >> seventeen
Synopsis: “Toshimasa Hara. Even now I sometimes find it hard to decide if his name gives me heartache or a headache…”
As a police officer in Shinsekai, Osaka, Kaoru has seen his fair share of trouble. Chaos takes a human form, however, in Toshiya Hara, a young local who seems intent on showing him that sometimes the right way is not always the good way, and that sometimes the wrong way can be the path to redemption...
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
There is an old saying that goes: a man can never be imprisoned whilst his heart is free.
Toshiya came every day, anytime he could. We came close to getting caught, but it seemed he would evade capture every single time, and we were even reckless enough to laugh about it later.
"They all think I'm talking to myself," I murmured to him as his lips explored my face, "They must think I'm going crazy."
I felt his grin against my cheek and steadied myself with my hand on his back: after so much time alone, his proximity was almost too wonderful to bear. The closeness I felt to him was astounding: no more secrets, nothing between us - I felt as if the two of us were on a ship, setting sail somewhere away from all this mess, with nothing ahead of us but clear blue ocean.
"After this is over we'll get away," I whispered to him happily one day, tangling my fingers in his hair, "We'll go to Kyoto or Kobe or Yokohama. We'll disappear overnight and leave Osaka forever."
He squeezed me ecstatically, grinning in my face.
"I wish we could see the looks on their faces," he breathed giddily, "The house will wake up, and they'll start calling for me - but I'll be gone."
"And you know you'll be able to get away?" I checked, and he ran his hand down the side of my face fondly.
"Kaoru, they can't watch me twenty-four hours a day." He smiled then, beaming, "Wild horses couldn't keep me away. When this is over I'm leaving with you - and I promise you, Kaoru, I'll be there until you get sick of me."
Toshiya turned suddenly serious, taking my one good hand in both of his. "Do you understand what you're doing?" he asked softly. "You're saving me, Kaoru. In...in every way that a person can be saved." He squeezed my hand gently, "I can't promise that I'll be perfect. I know I'm bratty and impulsive and kind of big-headed, but..."
"Doesn't matter," I told him. "Look at me. I'm self-righteous and uptight and really anally retentive about cleaning—"
He sniggered.
"—But none of it matters," I finished pointedly. "Look, all our bad qualities balance out. Together, we're perfect."
He grinned, his fingers skimming up under my T-shirt. He gave a sharp pinch to my hip to make me squeak, a touch that quickly turned into a caress.
"When this is over, I'll go anywhere with you," he said seriously, and then laughed. "Alright, copper, don't look so bloody soppy. I'm only signing my life away."
For whole afternoons now, we sat together. Sometimes we dozed, warming ourselves in the changing sunlight like cats, his back flush against my chest as I gently rubbed the sooth skin of his belly in slow, soft circles. Before I'd lost myself in memories, but now I began to dream about the future: we'd pack up my apartment; we'd go to a big, anonymous city where we blended in like shadows and they would never find us - never find him. I'd maybe write a book about everything that had happened, and Toshiya could continue designing and creating clothes. We could live like normal people, sleep curled up together every night: we could be, could be...
Out of the blue, I found my mind drifting back to that unseasonably warm day when we'd first met. If I closed my eyes, I could imagine that first Toshiya was right there before me, slouching as he had been in the plastic chair in the interview room, teasing me, rolling his eyes, twisting his hair like he twisted me around his little finger.
And I couldn't help but smile. He'd been sent to seduce me, and all he'd had to do was stretch out his long, beautiful libs and use his eyes to draw e into his world: the world of his personality, his smiles and his laughter, his anger, the flashing, morse code frequency of his soul, his rages, his tears, his sweet and loving gaze.
And yet I'd taken it entirely out of his hands. Perhaps he'd pursued me at first, but he had no more led my way into his life than I had followed: when he'd gently held out his hand, I'd been unable to accept it. Instead, we'd built a new world, the two of us together: our world, forged somewhere in the connection between our two bodies; our twin hearts. My inability to become part of his past had led to the creation of a different future - one that I truly never could have imagined, not even in my wildest - or most desperate - dreams.
I looked at him, loving him, and in a sudden moment of passion I felt like praying to the sliver of light from the setting sun that lit his face so exquisitely: goodbye, I thought, goodbye to my old life; to the old Kaoru; goodbye to the old job, the old apartment; goodbye criminals, goodbye hopelessness; goodbye urban decay and vice, uniforms and handcuffs; goodbye keys and files and secrets. Goodbye to the white cotton bedspread and white cotton sheets; goodbye empty chairs, empty table, empty life.
I rested y cheek on top of his head, breathing in the scent of him.
Hello Toshiya.
So my days were spent in that way, in limbo, waiting for an absolution. They no longer called upon e to make videos: for the most part, they seemed to forget about me. The silent man still came twice a day with food and water; he never wrote me another note, but sometimes he smiled at me. I wondered what his story could possibly be; what had he possibly done to merit the cutting out of his tongue? He seemed so gentle - how, I marvelled, had he fallen into this kind of life?
It made me feel guilty, wondering if he'd suffered a similar fate to Toshiya: had he perhaps been trafficked here? Somehow I didn't think so, and yet I was hard pressed to put my finger on just what could have transpired; just what he could have been. I was nobody to say that perhaps he wasn't suited to this kind of life: in fact, he might have been perfect for it. Despite his cruel and unusual punishment, he moved with the utmost dignity; never did I see him ruffled in the slightest. The aura he projected was one of absolute calm; oh, he must have guessed the truth of mine and Toshiya's affair, but never did he so much as look at me sideways.
I would never find out his story, though I often suspected Toshiya knew of it; there were some questions, I knew, that could never be asked: the answers to them had to be given freely, without duress. As it happened, Toshiya would never feel like sharing the silent man's tale: whether through guilt, through heartache or through simply having forgotten.
But still, the silent man never told of our affair. In the days that would come, I would appreciate his gesture. I often think of him, even now: sometimes when I pray for myself and my family and my friends and Toshiya, I find myself praying for the silent man as well. I hope he's safe. I hope he was the one in a million that got out alive.
>> to chapter nineteen >>
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2012-04-02 09:54 pm (UTC)From:this fic is so beautiful. i hope kaoru's wishes come true in the end, and no more drama will happen.
all this is so.. tragic, but in that way when romantic tragic stories are so good you're enjoying every minute of it.
the ending is coming so close and i don't want to!
no subject
Date: 2012-04-03 01:35 am (UTC)From:I have to admit, at first I was scared that Kaoru was just hallucinating >_< my heart can't take that.
And nice for Kaoru to be concerned about the silent man, and that part just got to me.
no subject
Date: 2012-04-03 02:15 am (UTC)From:I was looking through your old story that you just posted and your old name sounded very familiar to me.
Is it you? If it is, omg I LOVED that story! It was one of the rare few that stuck in my memory for a while. Did you ever finish it?
no subject
Date: 2012-04-03 11:14 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2012-04-03 06:45 pm (UTC)From:The story was called" A Momentary Lapse of Reason" and I loved, loved, loved it, but it was only up to 8 chapters. Did you ever finish it if you don't mind me asking?
no subject
Date: 2012-04-03 06:49 pm (UTC)From:Oh wow, I'm so glad you liked it. I didn't finish it, I'm afraid - I remember I'd just finished Break the Limits and was finding it hard to concentrate on anything else.
Wow, I haven't thought about that in about two years. I'll have to take a look and see if I can fiiiinally finish it!!
Thank you so much for reminding me :)
no subject
Date: 2012-04-03 07:03 pm (UTC)From:Oh I really hope you do manage to finish it ^^ It caused such a stir in the KaoruxToshiya comm at the time, and really had such a following. So good luck on that! ^^
no subject
Date: 2012-04-04 01:48 am (UTC)From:So yeah, AMLOR will definitely be my next project. Thank you so, so much! x
no subject
Date: 2012-04-03 02:55 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2012-04-03 08:57 am (UTC)From:I hope his wishes are visions and he can go out of there safe... but I'm not sure of it... I wonder if that peace, those moments of joy aren't a kind of trap or something like that... I wonder if this time, Toshiya's so sincere... u_u
The end is close... I'm going to lose my romantic ray of light in this world of work and boredom... I love Kaoru! <3