The Glasshouse: 18/??

[andrew_in_drag]

Title: The Glasshouse
Author: andrew_in_drag
Pairings: Kyo x Toshiya, Die x Toshiya
Rating: mature
Warnings: sex, rock 'n roll, mental illness theme
Previously: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 
13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17
Notes: The companion piece to 'Fifteen Years', covering Kyo's side of the story. Though they go together, they follow the same timeline, so you won't have to have read 'Fifteen Years' for this to make sense.
Synopsis: I had made Toshiya my doctor and my nurse. I'd made him my therapy, too. 



CHAPTER EIGHTEEN:

I know most people don’t like to work on Christmas, but I thought it was a brilliant idea. I didn’t want to see my family and endure their sympathetic glances and concerned touches, and I didn’t want to sit at home alone all day and think about how I was the only person in the world with no company on such a stupid commercial holiday. So, when I woke up to the sound of the rain pattering against the windows, even though it was Christmas day, I felt just about perfect.
Not my windows: the hotel room’s windows. Toshiya’s hotel room’s windows, really. I’d moved straight from his apartment to his narrow, rented bed with hardly a hiccup, and though we’d been back in Japan for a little under a month, with almost twenty days free, I hadn’t committed myself back into the asylum. I had made Toshiya my doctor and my nurse. I’d made him my therapy, too.

Feeling shyly pleased, I slid out of bed and tiptoed over to the window, drawing the curtains back a little so I could see the rain. It fell in thin lines, just as straight as if they’d been drawn with a ruler, and I smiled out at them happily. I opened the window, because I liked to smell it, but as soon as I let it go the wind took it and banged it shut again, noisily.
I made my guilty way back to bed as Toshiya pushed himself up on one elbow.
“Are you awake?” he asked groggily, swiping a sleepy hand over his face. Hair fell over his features in a messy scribble, and delicately I ran my fingers through it.
“No,” I answered.
He stuck his tongue out and collapsed back against his pillow, eyes closed. A second later, his arm floundered clumsily across my shoulders and he dragged me down with him, almost by the neck, though I didn’t mind. He settled his pointy little chin neatly against my chest, claiming me, and shut his eyes again.
“Now that you’re up…”
“No,” he cut me off, playing irritated, “Do you know how sore I am? My legs feel like I ran a marathon.”
“Funny sort of running you do,” I said lazily, and a happy thrill ran through me as he pinched the back of my thigh.
“Shut up,” he said grumpily. “Like it’s not bad enough that we have to work on Christmas and New Year’s, I have to put up with you doing downright illegal things to me, as well.”
“What we did last night wasn’t illegal,” I said innocently.
“Humph.”
“You liked it.”
He groaned exasperatedly, but pushed himself back up on his elbow and stared down at me.
“You’re in a good mood,” he said suspiciously.
I shrugged. “It’s Christmas.”
“Since when do you care about Christmas?” he asked, his fingers toying with my chest dreamily. “I wonder what Die’s doing right now.”
He caught himself and looked down at me guiltily, and quickly I interrupted whatever awkward apology he had been about to make.
“You’ll see Die later. I wonder what our families are doing,” I said quickly.
“Do you miss your family?”
“No.”
“Me either.”

Toshiya wrinkled his nose. “Last year we were all together. First time since the divorce. They were both being so civil to each other. It was a nightmare.” He sighed, laying his head down on my chest again, “And you know, my parents are getting so old. I picture my dad as this young man who still has it in him to run off with some woman from the next village over, but when I see him he’s just this old guy with grey hair, and a beer belly that’s starting to show.” I felt him pout in distaste. “And my mother used to be some intriguingly embittered divorcee with a  new boyfriend every month, but now her hands are so twisted with arthritis they look like old tree roots, and she’s not embittered anymore; she’s…she’s complacent!”
He finished his sentence on a wail, so I clucked sympathetically and stroked his hair. Really I just wanted to touch him, even if he was having a petulant moment. He never failed to feel like something magical.
“What about your grandmother?” I asked, gently scratching the shaved side of his head the way he liked, “Didn’t she raise you?”
“Well she’s dead now,” he said, his tone of voice suggesting that I was some sort of idiot. He sighed, his breath tickling my nipple so I squirmed. “Don’t you remember?” he asked, placing a soft kiss just underneath my collarbone, “I cried.”
“I’m sorry.”
He shrugged, continuing to kiss a path down my chest. He reached my navel and gave the skin below it a teasing lick, smiling up at me mischievously when he felt the muscles beneath his tongue tighten.
“Play fair,” I said huskily. “If you aren’t going to do anything, don’t – do anything.”
“Who says I’m not going to do anything?”
“You did, actually.”
He grinned.
“Don’t sulk.”
“I’m not sulking!”
He slid a hand inside my underwear.
“You are sulking.”
“Toshiya…”
“Say, ‘yes Toshiya, I’m sulking’.”
“You’re so irritating,” I complained, pushing him away from me by his shoulders and moving over him, pinning him down against the bed. I could feel my body stirring, like every part of me was opening its arms to him, and I ducked my head against his beautiful flat belly because I thought that if I looked straight at him, my eyes might just reveal too much love.
Sometimes I felt like a starveling little stray dog that nuzzled up to him in a desperate bid for affection. I tugged on the waistband of his underwear with my teeth and, as if proving it, he ruffled my hair.  
Good boy.
I pressed my fingers over the bump in the front of his boxer briefs, looking up at him for a reaction. He was propped up on his elbows, watching with interest. I knelt up over him, pushing a hand inside my own underwear, and I felt dirty because somehow it always looks dirtier when somebody is touching themselves inside their clothes. Nudity is natural, after all; it’s when people add clothes and interfere that everything starts to get filthy.
I touched myself as he watched, getting off mainly on his attention. For once he wasn’t playing with his hair or his nipples or stroking himself off or fingering himself; for once he was just staring. He caught my uncertainty and shrugged.
“It’s Christmas,” he said flatly, “I’m not doing any more work than I have to.”
He darted up suddenly and placed his hands on my shoulders. Quickly, he licked my cheek, and pulled back to grin at me.
“Now, let’s cut to the chase – my face or yours?”

Rise, fall. Toshiya’s chest moved roughly, jaggedly, and he scrabbled his own nails against it helplessly. I sensed the sweat on his skin; heard his low whine of dissatisfaction as I trailed my tongue languidly over his balls and then sat back, admiring the slick trail I had made. It mapped a route from the tip of his cock to the puckered edge of his asshole, and he squirmed impatiently as I leant forward to retrace it. His skin was soft and faintly salty; I pressed my tongue against the vein in his dick and felt how his pulse throbbed. My lips closed over the head of his erection and he whimpered, shifting his hips. It never failed to impress me, just how enjoyable he was. The reactions of his body were something I craved and strived for.
“Just – just fucking do it!” he breathed, clutching at a handful of my hair, and though his grip was tight he was so wound up he forgot to pull. He coiled his fingers and then released me ineptly, hands shaking, only to grip at my shoulders and mewl with pleasure as I flicked my tongue over his neediest place.
“Kyo—!”
His voice was so strangled I felt sorry for him, and in a swift movement I shoved one of his beautiful thighs up on my shoulder and dived between his legs, my tongue prodding and poking along its own slippery pathway, and he let out a groan that made my entire body shiver when I hit home.
“Oh god, please—”
I thrust my tongue inside him lewdly, curling it upwards against strong muscle. I felt him twitch and stroked his thigh soothingly.
He trembled. His whole body was straining towards me, cock hard and leaking over my head, and I dug my nails into his skin as my tongue began to gently fuck him, in and out, in and out, pulling the noises from his throat. I felt his balls bouncing against my forehead rhythmically as he jerked himself off, and I must have been in love with him because I found it so stupidly adorable. I slid a finger inside him next to my tongue and gasped at how his body tightened when I thrust into his ass with both, adding another finger when his panting turned to quick, needy whimpering. I could feel fingers on tongue and tongue on fingers, working together with the heat of his body: too many sensations. With one hand I supported him and with the other I fucked him, and my cock twitched and wept from the lack of attention. I didn’t care. I didn’t even care how servile I looked, my tongue and hands devoted to him, all underneath him, striving to get at him one way or another. I loved it. Loved him. I’d have been his dog if it would have made him love me back.
“Fuck, Kyo!”
I pulled back and lapped at him enthusiastically, feeling his body clench around my fingers. I added a third, a fourth; fucked him with them hard. He keened lowly and grabbed handfuls of the bed sheets, rocking his body towards me desperately, and I saw tears of agitation glinting in his eyes as I teased him.
“Please,” he begged. The flesh of his cock was flushed a gorgeous, pent-up red. I couldn’t help but kiss it.
“I love you,” I said, moronically, and slammed my fingers inside him so he gasped and let out a strangled cry. Cum hit me warmly in the face, dripping salty over my lips. I could feel how his body shook. Gently, I unhooked his leg from my shoulder and lowered it to the bed. He made me so fucking desperate I could have just started rubbing against anything, but I made myself stay still as he pushed himself upwards and touched my shoulders apologetically.
“Sorry,” he said, “I didn’t know I was just going to come like that. I would have warned you.”
“It’s alright.”
“Kyo, you’re shaking…”
“I…” I gestured to my cock with a trembling hand, “You’re so fucking amazing.”
He kissed my cheek and swiped cum from my mouth with his thumb. When he smiled at me, his lips were shining with it, and I couldn’t help but groan.
I love you. What was I thinking? His cum-glossy smile turned uncertain, and I wiped his lips tenderly.
“Don’t you want me to—?”
“No.”

“No?” he repeated, like he might have misheard, “Kyo, I don’t – you’re so hard, I—?"
“I don’t think we should do this anymore.”
I heard my voice like it was coming from a place far outside myself. Outside the window, the rain seemed to have gotten an awful lot louder. It might have been falling between us.
“I don’t understand.”
His voice was quiet.
“I…” I pulled the bed sheets over me, wrapping them around my waist to hide my body from his eyes. I put an arm around him and tried to take strength from the feeling of his soft skin; his sturdy body.
“You don’t love me,” I said awkwardly, “And being with you is incredible, but – but you don’t love me,” I repeated. My face burned and I felt foolish. I stared down at my lap.
“Kyo…” gently he dabbed the rest of his cum from my reddened cheeks, “It’s not that black and white. I do…I do love you, really.”
“Who could love me.” It wasn’t really a question. I sighed, “I think too much. I’m too mean.”
“But you’re not really mean.”
“But you don’t really love me.”
I caught the look on his face and smiled sadly, brushing a comforting thumb across his cheek. “It’s alright. I’m just not Die enough. So when you think about it, I’m not anything enough, really. Not tall enough. Not funny enough; not easy-going enough; not charming enough.”  
“Kyo…”
“What I don’t want,” I interrupted him uncomfortably, “Is for you to one day look at me and think all this for yourself. I know in some ways you already do it. But I don’t want…the sort of resentment, you know, that comes after years and years of everything being just a little bit worse than it should be. And if you stay with me much longer, I’m not going to be able to let go, and that will be that.”
His eyes were slowly filling with tears. He looked blindly away towards the window; watched the rain trickle down it in rivers.
“Whatever I did,” he said with difficulty, “I was always going to end up hurting one of you. Now you’re going to make me hurt you both?”
It somehow made it easier that he wasn’t looking at me. I laid my head carefully on his shoulder.
“Once I did a horrible thing,” I said. “Taking you from him is something I’m never going to be able to forgive myself for unless you let me put it right. Think of it as…my redemption, or something. I need to atone for this.”
“You weren’t well,” he said fiercely, scrubbing tears from his eyes.
“I’m still not well. I won’t be until everything’s set straight, do you understand?”
“But you couldn’t help it. You didn’t make me sleep with you. It’s as much my fault as yours!”
I stared down at my hands awkwardly. “Ah well,” I said, somehow embarrassed, “You can do no wrong in my eyes.”
A kind of numb silence fell between us, but eventually he did lean his head against mine. We sat until the rain stopped, and by then the clock said twelve and it was time to go about setting up for another day. 




A/N: Despite my disgusting illness I went to Hard Rock Calling today. Wooooo! I was definitely the youngest person there, but I boogied to Bruce Springsteen, so it's all alright. I even saw Paul McCartney. Unfortunate.


>> to Chapter Nineteen >>

Comments

[mad-stalin-69.livejournal.com]

The only thing I can say is - poor Kyo :((( *hugs tight*
So you live in London?! XD Me too XD LOL Sorry, random moment :P Read your A/N and got suspicious, so I checked your profile XD And as I thought - London it is XD :P

[andrew-in-drag.livejournal.com]

Yeah! It's a bit of a lie - I live just a little way outside London! About 20 miles North or so.
But you're a Londoner, awesome! Yeah, Hard Rock Calling was a day of old and ugly musicians, but a good festival anyway :D

[mad-stalin-69.livejournal.com]

I'm not Londoner, I just moved here less than a year ago :P And I'm not even british :P But yeah, I do live in London and try to enjoy it :D Though London and smaller british town (I used to live in one) are just soooo different :))
Now I envy you >_< I always envy people who are not limited to English as their second language :P lol

[kaiser1103.livejournal.com]

“You can do no wrong in my eyes.”
This is the sweetest line I have ever heard...

[n3uromanc3r.livejournal.com]

I can't help but I really like these Kyo×Toshilya moments - even if they shouldn't be together like this, even if I know Toshiya belongs to Die. I don't even know how many times Kyo tried to break up with Toshiya but the other somehow always goes back to him... and Kyo simply doesn't have any willpower to say no to him. I wonder if it's really the end of their relationship...