A MOMENTARY LAPSE OF REASON: 16/??

[andrew_in_drag]

Title: A Momentary Lapse of Reason
Author: andrew_in_drag
Pairing: Kaoru x Toshiya
Rating: mature
Warnings: sex, swears
Chapter: 16/??
Previously: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15
Synopsis: When it comes to healing broken hearts, Toshiya is a professional. Good-looking and charming, he makes his living by gently helping the jilted to go on with their lives, whilst steadfastly refusing to settle down himself. Boasting a one hundred percent success rate, Toshiya is sure his method is flawless - until he meets Kaoru, a lonely academic who, despite Toshiya's better judgement, starts to get under his skin...


CHAPTER SIXTEEN:

Toshiya cashed Die’s cheque.
It was a cloudy morning in early April, and standing in line at the bank was such a refreshing return to normality that it made Toshiya feel happy and comfortable. When he reached the teller, though, he gave her a smile that seemed disingenuous and masklike, and so he straightened his face immediately and simply asked how long the cheque would take to clear.
Kaoru had said that he loved him.
That thought was given to striking him at moments when he was unsuspecting, and it angered him how the suddenness of the statement made him completely come undone.
I love you.
Like a glass box around him; like a bubble only he could see.
And Kaoru hadn’t even seemed to expect him to say it back. The man had simply offered his feelings up with not even the slightest ulterior motive: he hadn’t wanted his ego stroked; he hadn’t wanted reassurance. Toshiya simply didn’t know how to feel about it. He felt it violated his rules in some way or another. It was a gift, that was it; one that he was keeping to himself.
He wished it was something corporeal; something that he could give back. Although it had no physical substance, he felt it weighing heavily in his pockets, burdensome and oppressive. Carrying around that confession of love was like trying to wade through treacle; it struck him as bizarre that the freer Kaoru got, the more entrapped Toshiya felt.
I love you. Weighing him down. Boxing him in. His feet slowed to a stop right there on the street, people bumping into him from all sides, and it took a long while before he was able to get himself home again.

It occurred to him that what he needed, really, was a plan. That was why he felt so strange about the whole situation with Kaoru: he’d let his usual methods slide. Where was the usual arrangement of dates, of goodnight kisses; of being home before midnight and sleeping in his own bed?
He had slept with Kaoru too quickly. Normally, if he was going to sleep with a client at all, he saved that for his grand finale – the perfect romantic end to his big goodbye.
And it bothered him. Everything had been so different. He had initiated it: he never did that. The whole dynamic of their love-making had been different: sexual activity with clients was, as a rule, all about them. He couldn’t remember the last time a client had gone down on him; and he certainly couldn’t remember the last time he had come with somebody inside him.
Sex with clients, generally, seemed like an awful lot of rubbing for very little warmth.

Now that he was away from Kaoru, away from Die, away from the whole damn mess – and it was a mess, he thought regretfully – he could clear his mind and reflect on his just foolish he had been. Of course he’d cried after their first encounter: he must have known something was wrong. He’d made a mistake, and he hated to make mistakes. If he started something, he was intent that he would finish it, but now he had made his own job ten times harder. He could have kicked himself. The fact that he’d enjoyed himself was mostly immaterial: the two more times they’d had sex had been ill-advised and as for the session in the library, well, he must have experienced some brief moment of utter lunacy.
To top it all off, he had nearly told Kaoru that he loved him. He had never said those words seriously in all his dating history: to have them rise to the top of his throat unchecked seemed like a moment of deep negligence on his part. God only knew what might have happened if he hadn’t forced them down. They would probably be married by now.
Toshiya glared at himself in the mirror, but to his own eyes he looked more unhappy than angry. He scowled, looking fleetingly like a petulant child: he pulled his hair back into a ponytail and concluded that he looked tired and drawn.
He sighed. Kaoru was expecting him that evening, and for once he didn’t feel like dressing up. He felt too limp and ugly to wear nice clothes, so he just showered and pulled on an old T-shirt and his oldest, most comfortable jeans. They were a little too tight, but the denim had gone soft with repeated washings, and so they moulded themselves to his shape rather than forcing a new one upon him: he found the snug fit comforting, then, not restrictive. The T-shirt had once been plain black, although now it had really faded to more of a very dark grey, and its hem was tattered in a way that he couldn’t really pretend was manufactured by the designer.
He found himself standing in front of the mirror, staring bleakly at himself. He wanted to take the clothes off and stay at home; he wanted to take a bath and listen to music and find some way to stop the never-ending cycle of poisonous thoughts in his head. He wanted to stop feeling so sick and tired and stressed all the time: he wanted, in short, to get Kaoru out of his head.
His client was getting to him, he realised, and sat down heavily on his bed. Yes, somehow, Kaoru had gotten under his skin. It must have been some slight slip-up, some momentary lapse of reason – but he had let Kaoru in.
Toshiya realised that tears were sliding down his cheeks, and quickly wiped them away. He splashed his face with cold water. He set off to meet his client right on time.

“Toshiya!” Kaoru beamed at him, opening the door wide to usher him in, “Come in…” he slid his arm comfortably around Toshiya’s waist, oblivious to his flinch, “I cooked.”
Toshiya’s smile was wide and fake and made him feel nauseated.
“So that’s what smells so wonderful,” he commented, smooth as plastic. “Thank you, Kaoru. A home cooked meal is pretty rare for me.” He swallowed heavily and forced his smile back into place, “I’m a shitty cook.”
He was aiming for affable, appealing, endearing; his voice came out sounding weak and defeated. Kaoru’s happy facial expression turned to one of concern, and in a panic Toshiya kissed him quickly. He thought that if Kaoru showed him any kindness, it might destroy him.
“It smells really, really good,” he said hurriedly, smiling reassuringly, “I can’t wait.”
And there was something like a staredown as Kaoru searched for what Toshiya wasn’t telling him, and Toshiya gazed back at him brazenly. When Kaoru finally smiled at him and kissed him on the cheek, his legs almost buckled. He felt more exhausted than he had in years.

As Toshiya had expected, the meal Kaoru had cooked was delicious, and he steadily drained and refilled his glass from the bottle of wine on the table. Despite how good the food was, he had to force himself to eat: he had little appetite. It struck him that he hadn’t eaten all day, and he felt some mild alarm: maybe Kaoru was actually indirectly killing him.
“So,” the older man said gently as Toshiya gulped wine, “Would you like to tell me what’s up?”
He almost spat his drink out in surprise. By a great effort, he swallowed.
“Nothing, Kaoru!” he smiled, “I’m having a lovely time with you.”
“Toshiya…” Kaoru touched his hand. “I’m not stupid. You don’t need to tell me what’s wrong, but…” he bit his lip worriedly, “Maybe I can help. Maybe there’s something I can do!”
Toshiya smiled tiredly, hiding his face behind his lightly trembling hands.
“Really, Kaoru, I’m just a little tired.”
He hid his shaking hands under the table, trying to brighten his smile. Kaoru was looking down steadfastly, seemingly wrestling with himself; finally, he laid both his hands flat and tried his best to get Toshiya to meet his eye.
“You know it’s alright to be vulnerable sometimes,” he said hesitantly. “I know I haven’t known you for long, but you – you never seem to be comfortable with showing me how you’re really feeling.” He smiled encouragingly. “It’s alright to let your guard down sometimes, Toshiya. You don’t have to be so brave.”
“I…” Toshiya’s fake smile wavered. He wished he could tell Kaoru to stop being so fucking nice to him. He couldn’t take it.

Kaoru watched his boyfriend with growing concern. He hadn’t known Toshiya that long, but already he could tell when something was wrong – there was something simply off-kilter about the taller man, as if he was just slightly out of focus. He was like a radio caught between stations, Kaoru considered, that was it: unable to tune in, his frequency was pure, torturous static. He was silent for so long that Kaoru felt his familiar nervousness creeping up on him, and cleared his throat.
“Is it me?” he asked gently.
Yes.
“No,” Toshiya smiled, “No, of course not.”
He wavered. Was it Kaoru? No, not really. In a hazy, undefinable kind of way, Kaoru was only a symptom. It was him: he was the problem.
“I’m just…” he shook his head, still forcing the smile onto his face, “I guess I’m just very tired. I’ve been stressed, because of…work, and I’ve found it hard to sleep.”
It wasn’t exactly a lie. Slowly, Kaoru stood up and offered two gentle hands to his boyfriend; bemused, Toshiya allowed himself to be pulled to his feet.
“Kaoru—”
“You can’t sleep?”
“Yeah, but—”
“So sleep,” he said simply, running his hands around Toshiya’s waist. “Here.” His hand caressed his boyfriend’s ass lightly.
“Kaoru…” Toshiya shook his head, laughing breathily and a little desperately, “Don’t be silly. I’m fine. I probably won’t be able to sleep here anyway—”
“Or,” Kaoru said reasonably, “You’ll fall asleep with no trouble, and wake up to find that all your problems have gone.” He smiled up into Toshiya’s face.
Toshiya, for his part, felt like swearing massively. He associated Kaoru’s bed with clean, crisp sheets, a smell of fresh laundry and, best of all, slightly sleepy, affectionate sex. For some reason it seemed to be about a thousand times more comfortable than his bed at home, and he wanted to sleep there. It was exactly what he wanted, and he didn’t know why it had taken him so long to figure it out.
But if he went upstairs and went to bed, he realised that Kaoru might get in bed beside him and maybe start fooling around; maybe have sex with him.
And that terrified him. He felt so tired and weak and half-drunk that if Kaoru so much as touched him he was sure a confession of love would spill from his lips within seconds, and then he wouldn’t be able to take it back. Game over.
The moment he said it, it became true.
But then, he was so tired. He was so, so tired.
“Okay,” he said softly. “Okay.”

And so that was how he found himself upstairs in Kaoru’s house for the second time, sitting limply upon the clean, soft double bed. He had entertained thoughts of sleeping in his clothing, perhaps putting the idea of making love out of Kaoru’s head, if it was in there, but his boyfriend easily gathered the hem of his T-shirt in his hands and pulled it gently over Toshiya’s head.
He didn’t feel like he was being undressed like a lover. Kaoru was so tender, almost paternal; Toshiya felt like a little boy who had stayed up long, long past his bedtime.
The older man unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans, his hand brushing his dick through his underwear.
“Kaoru,” Toshiya panicked, “That – that’s not what I want.”
“Sh.” Kaoru kissed him quickly on the cheek, “I know. But if you sleep in these jeans you’ll regret it.” He grinned. “Don’t get me wrong, you look…incredible in them, but they probably won’t be that comfy to sleep in.”
Toshiya couldn’t help but smile a little at that; his first natural smile of the evening. Slowly, he raised his hips off the bed and allowed Kaoru to undress him. His client couldn’t resist stroking the side of his thigh gently, but almost immediately Kaoru drew back and pulled the covers up for Toshiya to slide beneath them.
And so he did. He settled against the pillow and the lights went out, and though he heard Kaoru’s own clothes coming off he couldn’t bring himself to worry about it; not even when the man got into bed next to him and wrapped his arms around his middle, pulling him into a cocoon of cool sheets and warm skin.
“I just want to sleep,” Toshiya breathed softly, his voice almost inaudible in the dark room. He felt Kaoru smile against the back of his neck, and place a tiny kiss there.
“I just want to sleep next to you,” his client said gently, and Toshiya let his eyes slip closed.


A/N: I now have the vague idea that this fic is going to be about 25 chapters long. Probably because I put in chapters like this! I don't really know what the point of this is. I thought it was quite nice though. I like how Toshiya is struggling.

to chapter seventeen →

Comments

[lady-sb.livejournal.com]

I always think your interlude chapters are nice anyways. Its a very small progression of plot but it does set the scene for Toshiya's conflict very well. I guess the trick at the end of the day is that it doesn't become repetitive.

Saying that, I was just counting, I ws thinking yay only like 5 more chapters to go. Now its gonna be more I'm both happy and yet =_=;; lol

My fave line, when Toshiya realises that if he says it, it will become real. But he never stops to think so what if it is?

Until tomorrow :) man you've put me on a marathon of commenting.

[jrock-miso.livejournal.com]

interludes are a nice mix up I enjoy them & your writing style
& I like to see the hardships Toshiya's going in & out of

[vmnoneko.livejournal.com]

I think chapters like this gives a deeper insight into Toshiya's character and makes him more endearing to the readers(me certainlyXD)

[pigurou.livejournal.com]

poor Toshiya feeling stuck and had nowhere to run to.yet he finds his safety is in kaoru.so sad and sweat at the same time.and i don't mind reading this kind of chapter keep up the good work