![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Title: Protect Me
Author: ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
andrew_in_drag
Pairing: Kaoru x Toshiya
Rating: mature
Warnings: sex, rudeness, swears, boyish attitudes, AU
Chapter: 6/??
Previously: prologue >> one >> two >> three >> four >> five
Synopsis: “Toshimasa Hara. Even now I sometimes find it hard to decide if his name gives me heartache or a headache…”
As a police officer in Shinsekai, Osaka, Kaoru has seen his fair share of trouble. Chaos takes a human form, however, in Toshiya Hara, a young local who seems intent on showing him that sometimes the right way is not always the good way, and that sometimes the wrong way can be the path to redemption…
CHAPTER SIX
So many things went through my head. I had the lovechild of Salome and Mata Hari between my thighs, and all I could think about was how much I wanted him and yet didn’t. There was something akin to vulnerability in his eyes: something that made me want to simply wrap him up to keep him warm, because his naked skin was as dangerous as it was beautiful.
“Babe,” he said languidly, trailing his fingers over my hot, hard flesh, “Something wrong?”
I didn’t know what to tell him. In some very specific and yet unattainable way, everything was wrong. The little show he seemed to be putting on for me was sexy as hell, but somehow it seemed to put so much distance between us. I felt as if I was watching a performer on a stage from a seat way back in the auditorium; what I wanted was to touch him, communicate with him. I didn’t have much of a way with words, so this was my chance: I may have been mostly silent, but if I could put across even a fraction of how I felt with the way I touched him, I might have a shot at saying something, really saying something.
The thought popped into my head at random: why are you only calling me ‘babe’ now?
“Can we…” I sat up awkwardly, trying to ignore how sensitive every single inch of my skin had suddenly become. “Hey, just…” I bit my lip anxiously, “Can you…come here?” I asked shyly, reaching for him, and with an odd little smile he complied.
“Now that you have me, what are you going to do with me?” he asked flirtatiously, and I allowed myself to gently touch his cheek.
“Toshiya,” I said carefully, “You don’t need to be like this.” I licked my lips, praying to god I wasn’t offending him. On the contrary, though, he had stilled. His hand now lay uncertainly on my thigh. I didn’t have to be a mind reader to know that every sense he had was trained onto me, but no longer as if I was his prey; now, he listened as if what I was telling him might save his life. I cleared my throat nervously. “What I mean is,” I tried to explain, “You don’t need to try so hard. Toshiya, you’re…you’re gorgeous. In your clothes and out of them. I think you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. And if you want me, then…” I shook my head dazedly, “I’m already far, far luckier than anyone like me ever gets, not in this world. I hardly know you, but I love you. Do you understand?” I stroked his hair, watching his face closely. “You’re cool. And you’re funny. And you’re such a badass that sometimes I feel like I’m committing a crime just by touching you.”
Softly, naturally, he laughed. That was good, a good sound. A little warmth to fill the distance between us. I kissed him gently. “But beyond that…I see little bits of you. I know it sounds mad, and probably really presumptuous—” I closed my eyes lightly as I laughed a little, “Oh god – but sometimes I feel like I’m the only person who’s really looking at you, or really seeing you, or something. Like you’re one thing to the world but to me you’re something else, closer to who you really are – or something,” I finished lamely.
“Okay,” he said after a while, “Okay.”
The rain eventually stopped, and golden bands of evening sunlight filled our hotel room as we lay on the bed, half covered by the sheets. We talked; we touched. There was no rush or hurry, and no longer any pretence: next to me, Toshiya was so relaxed he was almost boneless, and I decided that I liked that just fine. As the light in the room faded, so did our conversation: more words were replaced by gentle kisses, and our hands began to search each other out. Now, more than earlier, I felt truly excited. It was something that transcended sex as a physical act, the way I felt about him: something hard and hot and heavy was growing inside me, setting down roots in my belly that stretched all the way to my groin. Maybe it was just desire, simple desire; I don’t know. The sun went down as I rolled myself on top of him, exploring his mouth like I’d never get another chance, and his hands tentatively slid over my shoulders and down my back, tracing my spine; they nudged my hips and slid over my ass before resting there. Gently but firmly, he rolled his hips against mine, pushing me down into him. Skin on skin in the darkening room: I felt curiously as if I was breaking down into something more basic and pure and powerful. I lowered my head to his chest, brushed a nipple with my lips and felt more than heard his soft groan. It ruffled my hair slightly and I smiled, rubbing the stiff flesh with the tip of my tongue. Toshiya clutched at me and whimpered softly, and I placed kiss after kiss on the smooth skin of his chest, unable to stop myself and yet feeling totally in control. My left hand glided down over the smooth expanse of his sides and over his abdomen, nestling finally between his thighs, where I rubbed him gently.
“Kaoru…” one of his hands grasped at the back of my head desperately. “Oh god, this is…” He rocked up into my hand gently, a low sigh escaping his throat. He kissed me deeply, one big hand cradling my face. “But Kaoru, I’ve got something to tell you—”
I kissed the words from his mouth, pulling him up with me.
“Later,” I said softly, finding his body where the very last of the evening light cast its silhouette, and he nodded.
This was a Toshiya that I had not experienced before.
In the darkness of that hotel room, his tough attitude disappeared. It’s the essence of sex: to turn somebody inside out, subvert them entirely into what they really are. The smoke and mirrors of the world cleared away. There was just us: one bed, one body, everything interconnecting and flowing with almost metaphysical surety. We were a fact like time was a fact; like the earth was a fact.
The only sounds in the room were those of panting and gasped breath, occasional whimpers and the rhythmic and unmistakeable melody of lovemaking; the whispering of skin over skin and the deep bass of twin pulses.
What was strange to me was that my usual desire to take control had no place in this encounter. The devil and god that raged inside me were quiet. In the truest sense, I was cradled by his body: hands around his face, thighs around his hips, erection striking the core of him; and he curved himself for me, like bending to a mutual will; his hands explored and coaxed me, pulled and scratched me. The warmth of his skin was nothing compared to the fire inside him. The heat I found there. I lost myself in it. His neck and jaw became magical relics that I couldn’t stop kissing, and with a frantic whimper he flung his head back.
“I’m going to—” he breathed desperately, and I felt his whole body convulse against mine, contracting in sequence. Without warning I realised that I was falling, just that kind of feeling in my stomach; the kind of crazy ecstasy a man can feel when his body has taken his life into its own hands, and his mind is second place to absolute, razor-sharp, primal humanity. It flooded me as he cried out sharply. I loved, I loved, I loved.
When it was over I rested my forehead against his, struggling for breath.
“That was,” he gasped, and then didn’t even finish his sentence. He just clung onto me, kissing me deeply; a kiss that felt like a promise. I rested on top of him, waiting for the storm in my mind and body to die down, and his arms drew up around me like a barricade.
That was all. In the end we finally separated, switched the light on, had showers. Neither of us could talk about it, what had happened: it simply existed between us, unacknowledged but still very, very present.
And I knew he had felt it too, because it was written all over him. The way he kissed me and then turned his head away; the way his body shook. It was bigger than either of us. The whole greater than the sum of the parts.
“Toshiya,” I said, but he shook his head confusedly and blazed a trail to the balcony, leaving me to towel off and settle on the rumpled sheets. When he returned, he slotted his body in the space next to mine; we sat, mostly in silence, for some time.
It took that long while for me to find the real world again.
As we lay there, holding hands, I pondered what to think of it all. The fact was that sex with him had been terrifyingly perfect, and the implications of that were now coming to light, intimidating in their vastness. Number one: I was absolutely, irrevocably, head-over-heels in love with him, and that was a situation that I did not see changing until the day I died. Number two: I was absolutely, irrevocably, head-over-heels in love with a career criminal, the irony of which was certainly not lost on me. Number three: most simply of all, it was now evident that he was hiding something from me.
I sighed, half content and half confused, and kissed his head worriedly. The thing was, I knew that no matter how big and scary this was for me, my fear was nothing compared to that of the man next to me, inscrutable though his face was. Every so often he turned to look at me, his enigmatic gaze clouding slightly as he considered me, and then he would lose himself back in his own thoughts: his life, his means of existence and his boyfriend, and where exactly a policeman lover would fit into all that mess. I saw all this going through his mind: the extent of it, though, I could only guess at.
But speaking of real life, an issue occurred to me.
“Oh…” I clucked my tongue against the roof of my mouth and, under Toshiya’s considering watch, picked up the telephone by the bed and dialled reception. He continued to study me as I ordered my wake-up call; the following morning, six a.m., since I’d have to go home to change into my uniform before work. Toshiya waited patiently whilst I thanked the receptionist and hung up. There was something calculating in his eyes that made me feel that I’d either done something very amusing or very annoying, or perhaps both. Regardless, for Toshiya to be amused but not laughing wasn’t a good sign.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he asked abruptly. There was no anger in his voice, just genuine curiosity. He wanted to know what the fuck was wrong with me.
“Sorry?” I said, mentally kicking myself even as I spoke. Ever since I was a kid, I always hated the way I talked: I hated the awkwardness that, even now, I can’t ever seem to shed completely – not with age, not with alcohol.
“I mean,” he stressed, “Can’t you let go a little bit? I’m going to break you down and build you up tonight. Sex-u-ally,” he spelled out, “And you’re preparing your hasty exit? At six-in-the-fucking-morning?”
I couldn’t help but smile. His tough-guy act was back in full force, covering the uncertainty he felt. His hand was still entwined with mine on the bed sheets.
“You know I’m not going anywhere for good, Toshiya,” I told him softly. As I watched him, he wavered, and with a sigh he tipped his head back in frustration.
“What was that?” he growled softly, thumping my hand against the mattress for good measure, “Fuck, Kaoru, I just don’t know. I’ve…” he shook his head in bemusement, “I’ve never had sex like that. I’ve never experienced anything even close to that. I don’t understand what happened.” He sighed roughly, taking my face in his hands: forcefully, he stared me right in the eye as he spoke.
“I don’t know what it is with you,” he said seriously, his voice almost dangerous, “But you need to know that I’m not going to take it, feeling like this. I mean, I won’t do it.” He pushed me away a little, backing off in confusion. He raked his fingers through his hair where is had knotted. His posture smacked of stress and disconcertion. With a hand that shook slightly, he lit up a cigarette. I remained silent, waiting. Finally, he closed his eyes and leant back against the wall. He smoked a little. His face was utterly expressionless, and when he spoke, so was his voice.
“I’m not going to fall in love with you,” he stated. “So you can forget it. We both can. And if I were you, I wouldn’t fall in love with me either, because I don’t deal in shit like that. Alright?”
In some odd way, I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I had already fallen for him. I figured that he knew, just wasn’t facing up to it; the same way that he knew that what had transpired between us had meant something real, but he wasn’t about to face up to that, either. I had the infallible optimism of youth on my side: I thought I could change his mind.
I was so ignorant then. I thought that things would always turn out okay; that the clouds on our horizon would soon clear. Back then, I didn’t know a thing. I loved him, that was all. Not once did I ever entertain the thought that my love alone might not be enough.
But I should have known.
I should have been careful.
>> to chapter seven >>
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2012-03-22 01:46 am (UTC)From:For the past few chapters, its always been how you've written Toshiya that interested me. His quirks, the boyishness. Hence I am glad how Kaoru came off in this, older, more authoritative, but still hopelessly unaware of what he has fallen in love with.
Your quick chapters are rapidly lighting up my mornings. Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2012-03-23 12:16 am (UTC)From:Also, wow, what time zone are you in? I post this at midnight my time! I've written up to chapter thirteen, so hopefully they can continue to light up your mornings for a while.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-24 01:38 am (UTC)From:Glad to see have up to 13 chapters to look forward too ^^ ahh but I wish you well in the rest of your writing as well. I have no idea at this point how this is going to end, and that is a good thing.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-22 05:58 am (UTC)From:it was so beautiful, so delicate and full of emotions. it was great, seeing toshiya kind of striped off, more human and less bratty, totally exposed for kaoru.
is this when things get dramatic right?!
T___T
fgkjadfgklf.
ah, but i can't wait for reading more. this seems like a not returning point, after they made love like this, it's not like their relationship to each other can stay the same...
thank you as always for sharing
and for being soooo fast!!!
no subject
Date: 2012-03-22 09:40 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2012-03-23 12:17 am (UTC)From:And as for a point of no return? Oh, definitely...
And drama? Even more definitely!
no subject
Date: 2012-03-23 05:49 am (UTC)From:T___T
the drama!
can't wait for it.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-22 01:31 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2012-03-23 12:19 am (UTC)From:It's really interesting how different people see such different things. Thanks for a lovely comment!
no subject
Date: 2012-03-23 08:05 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2012-05-02 05:43 am (UTC)From:"Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon"
Does that make sense? XD