BREAK THE LIMITS: 25/33

[andrew_in_drag]

Title: Break the Limits
Author: andrew_in_drag 
Pairing: Yoshiki x hide
Rating: mature
Warnings: foul language, yaoi, rock 'n roll excess
Genre: AU to bandfic
Note: I first wrote this fic about three (?) years ago, when I was still hallelujah_hide. Oddly enough, I still like it, so I thought I would move it here to my new journal. 
Synopsis: May 1998: Yoshiki Hayashi breaks down in a temple as he tries to take in the news that has changed his life forever - Hideto Matsumoto, the man he has been in love with for seventeen years, is dead. As the other mourners try to comfort him, Yoshiki finds himself falling back through history - to the day when it all began; the day when he met a boy who would, truly, break the limits...

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE:

“Ice is forming on the tips of my wings

Unheeded warnings, I thought I thought of everything…”

 – ‘Learning to Fly’, Pink Floyd

It was one of those sweltering city days when the sky is California blue; that almost purplish blue that makes absolutely every other colour in the world look grey. I’d spent the morning in the wonderfully air conditioned studio with Taiji, working over the base points of some new song ideas he’d been thinking about. It was a frustrating process – Taiji liked to communicate his ideas by humming them, tapping out the bass line with a pencil – and I was never filled with more relief than when I convinced him to go home for the day; go home, and put something down on actual paper.

I could have skipped back to the apartment, but it was far too hot. Even the pavestones seemed covered in a sweaty sheen; every person I passed looked damp and uptight, not quite at their best. Public transport seemed an ugly idea, so I walked. No sense in attracting attention to myself with my car – which, I had to admit, was on the flashy side.

When I arrived back at the apartment, I walked straight into a room in which the only completely motionless object was the daybed, upon which Hide lay on his back, covered only with a white sheet. He’d collected three fans and placed them at the foot of the sofa, and the wind they produced – in three different directions all at once – whipped up everything else in the room so nothing looked completely still. Even the fans swayed slightly in the others’ breezes; Hide’s sheet was billowing and flouncing so rapidly that he looked as if he was hovering several inches above the cushions. Grinning, I bent down to the plug socket and flipped the switches to turn off all three fans at once; there was a pause, silence, in which Hide ballooned slowly back down to the daybed.

“I can’t move,” he stated simply. One lily-white arm extended from under the sheet, flopping limply towards the floor.

I had to smile; stretched out like that, flinging his other wrist daintily over his eyes, he looked like such a diva, suffering for his art. Annoyed with my lack of response, he sat bolt upright and glared at me.

“Hey,” he huffed, “I have been lying here for two hours waiting for you to get back.”

“Why?”

“I’m naked under this sheet and I thought it’d be a nice little tableau for you to come home to. Especially after spending so much time with mister…” he mimed tapping a pencil and smiled wickedly.

Just the words to make my heart jump, of course. Hide was mischievous and downright impish when he wanted to be, but he certainly was resourceful.

“Hey,” he said, and this time his voice was softer, “What kind of way is that to look at somebody?” he smiled uncertainly. “You’re studying me like I came from outer space. Hope to hell you’re not seeing the real me.”

Without answering, I knelt down next to him and laid a soft kiss to his forehead. His lips curved upwards; his expression was soft, searching, his eyes looking for a single trace of doubt in mine.

He found none. He smiled fleetingly and leaned up, butting my chin softly with his to get me to kiss him again. On the lips, this time.

“You look wonderful,” I told him truthfully, rubbing a slow hand over his stomach. He gave me a smile that was so grateful, looking back, it breaks my heart. At the time, though, I just kissed him again; soft little kisses from his lips to his shoulders, where I pushed the sheet down just an inch. Kissed his collarbones. Another few inches: kissed each of the two tan peaks on his chest and felt him jump slightly.

I loved arousing him. I loved it when he’d challenge himself to resist, and I’d feel his shaking breaths and see how tightly he clenched his little fists. He’d get the most adorable flush over his cheeks and it was that; the flustered unsteadiness that I cherished so much – that real vulnerability, for a moment, that helplessness, and the way he’d look at me. As if I was the only person in the world.

And that could have broken my heart, too, but I just let him take my hand and guide it to between his thighs.

Lying next to Hide, my body was so relaxed I felt boneless. I could hear him trying to catch his breath next to me; could see his chest rising and falling in the periphery of my vision, and it was an unspoken agreement that both of us were satisfied to simply lie still and let the sweat dry on our bodies.

“That was wonderful,” I mumbled, dazed, happy enough to die right there, and I felt his smile against the bare skin of my shoulder.

“It was,” he agreed breathlessly, and his fingers curled themselves around mine. He let out a deep, satisfied sigh and simultaneously we both rolled onto our sides to face each other. He chuckled softly and removed a lock of hair from my eyes. “Yoshiki,” he said slowly, “I never expected to feel this way about somebody.” He smiled, one of those beaming smiles straight from the heart that lit me up like a Christmas tree. “In all my life, I never thought I’d be so lucky as to fall in love with my best friend.”

He hesitated a moment, but then just smiled and gave a small shrug. Slightly bashful, I took his hand and brought it lightly to my lips.

“I’m the lucky one. You could have anyone you want.”

A sudden image flickered in my head; Hide, at a gig, pulling a male groupie in for a short, deep kiss before pushing him away and giving him the finger. And the groupie stumbling, laughing, loving every minute. And then, weirdly, the picture changed to me that night I’d sat in my hotel room, growing jealous enough to kill – and I saw how just his presence had filled my mind with something else; distracted me so all I could see – and all I would ever see – was him, and all that he brought me. Sex, love: some weird kind of salvation. Peace wasn’t a word I associated with him – not Hide, who seemed to be built out of pure electricity – but in some weird way, it was peace that he gave me. He was the only person who could calm down my anger or soothe my fears: with him, I was able to hold onto the sweet, unrelenting relief that tomorrow would be a good day, and the day after that, and the day after that…

I sat up very suddenly, not caring that I’d startled him.

“I have something to tell you,” I babbled, and slowly he sat up.

“What? Yoshiki? You look weird. Wound up. What is it?” He swallowed. “Is something wrong?”

I just stared at him, took his fragile jaw between both of my hands and kissed him delicately on the lips. Looking flustered, he pulled back, fingers stealing up to his mouth agitatedly.

“I just realized something,” I told him gently, “That’s all.”

“Yeah?” he replied nervously. “You want to go into it?”

I shook my head dazedly.

“I was just thinking about you. That’s all. My mother always used to come out with this weird saying, ‘Love is like placing one person’s heart into another person’s body.’”

Hide smiled, relieved.

“Well, I’ve heard that. But you missed the second part.”

“Second part?” I responded dumbly. My mother had never added a second part.

“That it may hurt and not fit and be all screwed up and weird—” he was paraphrasing here, I imagined, “But if you try to take it out, you’ll cause a fatal wound.” He wrinkled his nose. “My mum was fond of saying that, but I never really got what it meant. I mean, my dad caused enough wounds without tearing any hearts out, and they were what’s ironically known as ‘in love’.”

For a moment he looked achingly, breathtakingly wistful, and for that reason I was spurred on to take both of his hands in mine and force him to look at me.

“It means,” I said carefully, “That I really don’t think I could live without you, now.”

Silence.

He opened his mouth, about to speak, and for once I was ready to hear – whatever he threw at me, even if it was lies, I was ready to believe…because I loved him, loved him to the point of death, and nothing else really mattered as much as that.

His face broke into a smile, and he pulled my hands to cover his chest sweetly. We didn’t hear Taiji, didn’t even sense him, not until he was right there in the room with us, watching us with a strange mixture of horror and panic upon his face.

Years of sharing apartments three to a room had taught us over-familiarity; continuous welcomes; doors left unlocked. How could I have been so stupid, on this day of all days?

And I couldn’t have known…but I should have known that you could never assume, with Hide, how you might find him when you walked in the door.

That I was to find out.

For a moment he just gaped whilst we sat there, open-mouthed, my cheeks growing pale whilst a blush built up in Hide’s. Silence invaded the room like a fog, and slowly I used my toes to pull my discarded boxers closer to me, all the while trying to keep my body covered with Hide’s sheet. He clutched it to his chest as if it was the only thing keeping him alive.

At the time, I didn’t exactly realize it, but Taiji was holding a few crumpled sheets of paper in his hand; his song, of course. He must have noted down his ideas in a fashion that other people could understand and, proud, had foregone the usual wait for an arranged band meeting…

But none of that occurred to me. I was too fascinated by his face as he slowly connected the dots, his mouth opening and closing soundlessly. Finally semi-decent, having manoeuvred my boxers up to my hips, I surreptitiously tucked the sheet around Hide before standing up and clearing my throat.

“We didn’t hear you come in.”

Taiji’s face had taken on a strange greyish hue, and he pulled at a lock of his hair agitatedly. His eyes never left us but did not stay still; they moved from Hide to me, from Hide to me, up and down the lengths of both our bodies to scrutinise whatever they found. They appeared very, very dark against his skin, and I could see the white all around the irises, his eyes were that wide.

“Taij’,” Hide muttered, “You shouldn’t just barge into places where…where stuff could be happening.” He pushed some hair from his eyes anxiously and turned his beseeching gaze upon Taiji, “I didn’t want you to find out this way. Neither of us did. We—”

The ‘we’ had been a mistake. It caused a dull flush to rise up Taiji’s throat, and he silenced my lover with an accusing finger.

“You two,” he said at last, the words strained, “What the hell is this?”

Next to me, Hide bit his lip, and Taiji’s sharp eyes turned to me. “Well? What…what is this?”

“Taiji,” I said carefully, “Please don’t panic, or get angry.” I slid my fingers between Hide’s, feeling the way he was cringing in shame under the sheet that covered his naked body, “You remember that…well, before X, Hide and I were good friends back in our schooldays?”

He nodded minutely.

“The truth is, Taiji, we were…more than good friends. From the first day I met Hide, I was…I was in love with him. And that’s the way it’s been ever since then.” I ran a shaking hand through my hair, “When X got together, I couldn’t believe it was really him. But…it was.”

His silence scared me.

“Taiji,” I begged, “We weren’t going to do anything about it! Even when Hide said he loved me back; even then, we thought…”

“We tried so hard not to be in love,” Hide interjected. “We did try. But…”

“But we couldn’t help it,” I finished desperately, fear making me feel sick and stealing the strength from my limbs.

And Taiji just stared. He seemed to be about to speak, but then stopped, and simply shook his head.

“This can’t be right,” he stated at last, woodenly, “I always knew you were friends. I mean, real good friends. And you’d have times where you’d look at each other and there’d be…something, something weird, and different, but you can’t…you’re both men…you can’t be fucking each other. You can’t!”

Hide shot me a doubtful look. His red hair was sticking up at the back; his pale face and the worried shadows under his eyes were like a portrait of how he would look a few years later. The kohl eyeliner he wore didn’t help the shadows. Hide always wore eyeliner; I’d smudged it, kissing his eyelids during our lovemaking.

“Hide,” Taiji burst suddenly, sounding almost relieved, “I’ve seen you fuck women. I’ve seen it. M-men, too, but I know you’re not – not gay…”

He cringed around the word, just as I flinched at what he said. I knew that Hide liked to be touched and hugged and kissed to be reassured that he was loved; I knew that he was a sexual person who expressed himself best through actions; I knew he didn’t always think twice about going to bed with people; more than that, I knew he’d had a lot of sexual partners and one night stands before. And so I just couldn’t figure out why Taiji’s words made me feel so…so cut up, inside. There was a snide voice inside my skull, bringing to the forefront of my mind insecurities and fears that I’d never dared voice, not even to myself: I was one amongst hundreds. His newest conquest. Ready and willing at any time; tender, affectionate, passionate…

I stared Taiji out, not blinking until he did, and stood up slowly to find Hide some clothing.

I had to shudder at how guilty we looked. I’d picked up the first thing I could grab for Hide; my discarded shirt, a purposely outsized and long, tailed garment, which all but dwarfed his small frame. Gratefully, he draped it around himself and buttoned it, standing up experimentally to find the hem hit him safely at mid-thigh. Taiji watched this exchange, growing more and more wound up.

“That’s – what, you share clothes, too?”

“Taiji,” I said patiently, “I am sorry that you found out this way. But I love Hide.”

“So when we tour,” he said tremulously, “You two are sneaking around behind our backs? Lying to us to get alone time?” He suddenly started and pointed at Hide, “Your birthday! Your – what was it, your twenty-fourth birthday! You said you were sick, and he…” he grimaced at me. “And just last week – Hide – you didn’t want to come out for a drink with me because you had a headache. But really…were you…? And all the times you two stayed late at the studio, working on songs, together!”

My mind rolled back like a slot machine to those times: we did write songs, or start out that way, until one of us said some trigger word or touched the back of the other’s hand in that special way…and once it had been storming, and he’d stepped out onto the balcony for a cigarette and came back soaking, and I hadn’t been able to stop myself from lowering him to the floor and making love to him right there.

Next to me, Hide bowed his head in shame.

“Taiji,” he said quietly, “I’m sorry. We both are. But we just couldn’t help it—”

“Couldn’t help it? You fucking lied to me, both of you!”

Next to me, Hide made a frightened little sound, like some small animal caught in a trap – because I knew he liked Taiji, and considered him a close friend, and it was that moment when the fear caught up with both of us: the realization that actually, we were in danger of losing him; of damaging our friendship with him forever.

Guiltily, I lowered my eyes to where my hand had slipped out of Hide’s, and when I looked up, Taiji was gone.

END OF PART TWO