A MOMENTARY LAPSE OF REASON: 22/25

[andrew_in_drag]

Title: A Momentary Lapse of Reason
Author: andrew_in_drag
Pairing: Kaoru x Toshiya
Rating: mature
Warnings: sex, swears
Chapter: 22/??
Previously: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 
Synopsis: When it comes to healing broken hearts, Toshiya is a professional. Good-looking and charming, he makes his living by gently helping the jilted to go on with their lives, whilst steadfastly refusing to settle down himself. Boasting a one hundred percent success rate, Toshiya is sure his method is flawless - until he meets Kaoru, a lonely academic who, despite Toshiya's better judgement, starts to get under his skin...

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO:

There were times in his life when Die was, despite the comical height difference, almost scared of Kyo.
It had only come to be about three times. The first time had been years and years ago, when they had first met and Die had almost killed the three of them – Kaoru, Kyo and himself – when he fell asleep at the wheel and ran his car into a lamppost. The poet had pulled himself out of the wreckage and, upon realising that Die was not hurt, had shaken him until his teeth rattled. He’d screamed at him, “Are you awake now? Are you awake now?”
The second time had been when Kyo had writer’s block, and the frustration of it drove him to absolute breaking point. He’d been sitting at the kitchen table, restlessly sipping at a cup of tea, when he had suddenly burst into a fit of rage and dashed the delicate china cup across the floor, stamping on the shards in vicious triumph. He had needed four stitches in his foot after that. Die counted himself lucky that Kaoru had been there to calm him down; otherwise, he might have feared for his life.
Or at least for his teacups.
On both those occasions though, fear had been Kyo’s motivation. That was understandable: fear was perhaps the most primal emotion there was, and the poet rarely gave into it. Fear of death; fear of not being able to express the jumble of thoughts and feelings inside of him – they were one and the same to Kyo, and so Die had understood.
The third time Kyo got that angry, however, it wasn’t really out of fear. Die considered, vaguely, that it must be love.
That alone scared him more than anything.

“You fucking idiot.”
The three words, hissed menacingly, hung heavy in the air like storm clouds.
“You unthinking pig.”
Each deliberate word punctured the air as if it was pricking at it.
“You stupid, senseless, unfeeling—”
“Alright!” Die snapped, and regretted it instantly. Kyo’s face twisted with rage and he grabbed Die’s neglected magazine from the floor, rolling it up in one fluid hand motion and beating Die around the head with it.  
“It’s not alright!” he raged, “How is it alright?! Kaoru’s being betrayed and you – you’re fucking paying for it!”
“He’s not being betrayed—” Die tried to argue, climbing awkwardly to his feet, “He’s just—”
“Don’t you even realise what you’ve done?” Kyo shoved him against the wall, hard. “You are the only person he trusts. The only one. Don’t you see how alone he’s going to feel when he finds out? You’re just as bad as Toshiya! It’s more your fault than it is his!”
“Yeah?” The redhead drew himself up to his full height, his spiky body seemingly everywhere at once, “Well, while we’re throwing blame around, I wouldn’t even have had to step in if you hadn’t broken his heart!”
“Oh, don’t give me that, Daisuke—!”
“Don’t call me that; I hate it when you call me that!”
They stepped apart from each other, panting. Anger stood out on Kyo’s cheeks in two livid crimson circles, and his dark eyes seemed to jump and crackle. His hair could almost have been fizzing with barely-contained energy as it settled around his face; his whole body was jagged, one big exclamation mark of fury.
“What does he mean,” the poet spat at last, his voice rough, “He’s changed his mind? What does he mean by that, Die?”
The redhead just shook his head dolefully.
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I don’t know.”

Kyo’s clenched fist finally loosened, and he let the magazine fall to the floor as the energy sagged out of his body. Die looked at him doubtfully, but nodded towards the kitchen. In perfect silence, the two of them made their way back to the table, sliding back into the seats before their neglected drinks.
It was quiet. Die toyed with the ring pull on his coke can. Kyo swirled the tea leaves left in the dregs of his drink thoughtfully.
“It’s not really true, you know”, he said suddenly. The words seemed like they might have been a great effort. “That I broke his heart – I didn’t.”
“Kyo—”
“No…” Kyo shook his head, refusing to meet his friend’s gaze. “I know how it must have looked, when we broke up. I suppose I seemed cold-hearted and callous.” He shrugged, and his face twisted into an odd little smile. “I don’t mind that, but I did care for him, you know. We just grew apart slowly.”
He paused. Die remained quiet, sensing there was more to come.
“I…” Kyo cleared his throat. “I’m not an easy person, Die. Don’t you suppose that a person has to really, really love me, or else the relationship will be hell for them?” He hesitated. “It was hell for Kaoru. I know that now. I was hard on him. I got angry with him because he couldn’t see what was wrong between us, so I felt like I was in it alone.” A few stray crystals of salt were scattered across the top of Die’s table, and Kyo mashed them together under his thumb. “Now I see him with Toshiya, and he’s happier than he ever was with me. You see it too, and you’re dense as shit; the change when they’re together. Kaoru, he – he lights up.”
Die almost interjected, but bit his words back. In fact, everything Kyo was saying was one hundred percent accurate.
“That’s why we have to expose Toshiya. He’s done something so incredible, and he doesn’t even care. He’s playing with love like it’s nothing, and I suppose that’s easy for somebody like him – if you’re good-looking and charming like that. He doesn’t realise that what he has with Kaoru is precious. I would have made it work that way, if I could.”
This final confession had Kyo hunched over, staring stoically at the table. Die didn’t know quite what to say. With his shoulders rounded like that, Die saw within him the shape of the old man he would become. It was possible, he thought to himself, that the future could be a rather lonely place for Kyo, and he felt a sudden rush of love for his friend. It was strange, he considered, that such an absurd little person could tug on his heart so.
With the love came a deep feeling of sadness. Die patted Kyo’s shoulder awkwardly and gave it a gentle squeeze. That was what Kyo brought out in him, generally: love, and an ache. They decided that they would go together; that they would end this once and for all.

Kaoru was outside the door before Toshiya was even home, his lips curving upwards into a wide, relieved smile as he saw how his lover dashed towards him. Toshiya was panting, his breath tearing from his throat in great, ragged gasps; his chest still rose heavily, his face was flushed and his eyes were bright as they sought Kaoru out.
He’d done it. Whether or not Die understood his note, the return of his money would send an unmistakable message. He was a free man, now, and there was only one way in which he wanted to celebrate his liberation.
“Kaoru.” He couldn’t keep the caressing tone from his voice as he said his lover’s name. Kaoru’s hands gripped his back firmly, warm through the fabric of his T-shirt, and Toshiya allowed himself to be half-pulled back inside the house.
He nestled his nose against the collar of Kaoru’s crisp white shirt, inhaling his boyfriend’s scent happily. He felt as if he had been yanked back from the edge of some great precipice: he had come so close to never experiencing this again.
“I really do love you,” he said quietly, feeling suddenly choked up.
And he had to smile. He’d begun by thinking Kaoru so awkward; so shy and incompetent, when it came to relationships – and yet hadn’t the older man known more than him, in the end? Toshiya had managed to listen to what Die had told him and imagine some weak, crumbling person; and yet, Kaoru had turned out to be the stronger of the two of them by far. Unlike Toshiya, he’d had the guts to admit how he felt, even when he didn’t hear it back; even when the object of his desire was flighty, and inconsistent, and even sometimes untrustworthy – yes, he had still been man enough to admit it.
Toshiya’s smile widened against Kaoru’s skin. He could see now how foolish he’d been – what a shallow, ignorant boy he’d been. Who had he been, really, to teach people how to love again? He hadn’t had the faintest idea himself.
But he knew now. He pulled Kaoru to him tightly, savouring the feeling of his lover’s heartbeat against his chest.

There wasn’t much left for them to say to each other; nothing, at least, that hadn’t already been said that morning. Toshiya pulled Kaoru into the living room by his shirt, undoing the buttons as he went; a scattered trail marked their route from the front door to where they settled on the sofa, Kaoru straddling Toshiya where he lay and kissing his newly exposed skin.
“You’re—” kiss – “You’re really sure?” Kaoru asked softly, his lips brushing Toshiya’s collarbone.
“Kaoru, I don’t think I’ve ever been more certain of anything in my life.”
“Then this is—” kiss – “definitely what you want?”
“Kaoru!” Toshiya laughed, cupping his boyfriend’s face in his hands gently. “Believe me. I’m in love with you, and I want to be with you. Forever, if that’s possible.” He stroked Kaoru’s cheek with his thumb, marvelling at how smooth the skin was over Kaoru’s sharp, angular bones. “I know I had my doubts, but I never doubted you. It was myself I didn’t really trust.” He sighed softly. “I’ve never felt this way before. It’s scary.”
“Scary?”
“Yeah.” Toshiya shrugged. “Suddenly I have so much more to lose. I don’t want to go back to the way I was before you.” He swallowed. “I like myself more when I’m with you.”
He took a deep, shuddering breath as he sat up, resting his forehead upon Kaoru’s shoulder. Only when he had steeled himself did he pull his head up and look Kaoru in the eyes, taking strength from the soothing feeling of his lover’s hands on his back, cradling him gently.
“So…” he bit his lip anxiously, “So guess what?”
“Toshiya?” Kaoru stroked Toshiya’s sides tenderly, “What is it?”
Toshiya swallowed heavily, seeing his own uncertainty reflected in Kaoru’s eyes.
“I have something really important to tell you,” he said carefully, “And I need you to listen until I’m done telling you, so – so that I can explain myself, and I can try and get you to understand me.” He slid his fingers over the waist of Kaoru’s underwear regretfully. “Sorry. I – I’ve just made this commitment to you, and I really want to…I really want to,” he gestured, “You know. But I did something bad, and the longer I go without telling you, the worse it’s going to get.” He bit his lip again, “Do you understand?”
Kaoru reluctantly settled back on the sofa, sitting next to Toshiya instead of on top of him. In only underwear, it was obvious that he was very much erect, and the sight of his flushed skin and confused expression made Toshiya love him all the more.
“I think I understand,” he said uncertainly. “Tell me, Toshiya. I’m sure it can’t be that bad.” He smiled reassuringly, “You’re a good person, you know. You don’t need to be afraid of anything you’ve done.” 
Toshiya crossed his legs and smiled. He was aware of loving Kaoru very, very much in that moment, and also aware of a kind of slipping feeling; a falling feeling; as if the world was suddenly in a state of great flux and change around him. When the doorbell rang, it felt almost prophetic; Toshiya let out a breath he had been unconsciously holding. He realised that, on some level, he had been waiting for it.

A/N: This chapter took me the longest time to write! I don’t even know why. The scene between Kyo and Die came quickly (told you I loved them) but I had so many rewrites of Kaoru and Toshiya, it was nuts. I usually keep about six chapters ahead of posting so I have a lot of time to play with, but at time of writing this I’ve dropped down so I’m only three chapters ahead! Still, now that we’re set up, let the drama unfold!

to chapter twenty-three →