A MOMENTARY LAPSE OF REASON: 10/??

[andrew_in_drag]

Title: A Momentary Lapse of Reason
Author: andrew_in_drag
Pairing: Kaoru x Toshiya
Rating: mature
Warnings: sex, swears
Chapter: 10/??
Previously: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 
Synopsis: When it comes to healing broken hearts, Toshiya is a professional. Good-looking and charming, he makes his living by gently helping the jilted to go on with their lives, whilst steadfastly refusing to settle down himself. Boasting a one hundred percent success rate, Toshiya is sure his method is flawless - until he meets Kaoru, a lonely academic who, despite Toshiya's better judgement, starts to get under his skin...

CHAPTER TEN:

“We went up to the lake,” Kaoru said hesitantly, and before Die’s knowing smirk he could no longer fight off his reluctant smile.
“There was none of that,” he assured gently, “Just a little…I mean, we haven’t even really talked about it. He doesn’t want to rush things.” Kaoru raked his hand through his hair agitatedly, “I don’t want to scare him off.” 
“You won’t,” Die guaranteed him confidently – of that much, he was sure – “Why is it so hard for you to believe that somebody actually likes you? This guy likes you.”
“Because…” Kaoru sighed, “Die, you haven’t seen Toshiya. He’s gorgeous, he is, and so…” Kaoru shook his head a little, swishing the contents of his beer bottle against the glass reflectively, as if the answer might be hidden inside it.
“So…?” Die prompted interestedly, stifling a grin as he leaned forward in his chair – it still tickled him, almost, that his plot was going so well. He felt like a mastermind.
“So…perfect,” Kaoru finished at last. “And he just came out of nowhere. One day he wasn’t there, and the next he was. He’s so kind, and I…I just don’t understand what a person like him is doing with me.”
Die’s body stiffened a little, and his jaw set as he recognised the fatal crash in self-esteem that Kaoru had suffered ever since Kyo left. Gently, he rubbed his friend’s shoulder, thinking deeply: he just couldn’t understand it, just as he had never been able to understand Kyo. Die thought of all the times Kaoru had defended Kyo’s bluntness as honesty and felt a bitter sting of self-righteous anger; yes, he’d known, but Kaoru had given the son of a bitch the benefit of the doubt, and now he was suffering for it.
“I feel…” Kaoru sighed, “I feel like I’m tricking him. Like he thinks I’m something I’m not, or why else would he be with me?” He glanced up, wary. “You know you’re the only one I can talk to like this, Die. Tell me if I’m getting boring.”
Die smiled sadly and gave his friend's arm a gentle punch, hoping the awkward gesture conveyed the sympathy he felt.
“Do you like him, Kaoru?” he asked lightly.
The question was unexpected; Kaoru was silent for a moment.
“I think about him all the time,” he replied at last, quietly, “I think of how much I don’t want to lose him, and how it feels to kiss him, and what it’s like when he smiles at me. Yes, I like him very much.”
And he smiled.

Toshiya had to admit that the fishing trip had been, in the business sense, a success.
They’d stayed out on the water until dusk had fallen, just drinking wine and catching fish and throwing them back. It could have easily gone badly wrong, Toshiya knew: after a few nervous rocks of the boat, Kaoru had confessed that he’d never learned to swim, and to Toshiya it had made him seem all the dearer.
He hadn’t worn his glasses, the day, and he’d looked younger and fresher than he ever had. To Toshiya, there was something about the fresh air and their close proximity that brought about in him a recklessness that felt like intoxication; he found himself getting giddy, holding himself differently and marvelling at how much he was enjoying himself. His fears that Kaoru would find the whole experience desperately boring – or, scarier, that he would start viewing Toshiya as some kind of country bumpkin – proved unfounded as Kaoru constantly raved about how good it was to get out of the city, and how he never would have thought of doing something like this; and how, when the sun went down over the lake, he was having such a perfect day.

As if some kind of wall had been broken down, their conversational barrier had been toppled and Toshiya felt like he knew everything about Kaoru, from his solidly middle-class upbringing (his parents had been academics) to the final days of his relationship with Kyo.
And Toshiya discovered that Kaoru wasn’t exactly sad anymore, but angry; it was as if Kaoru was going through the five stages of grief, mourning his lost relationship. After some gentle pushing, he’d confessed to the denial; even, painfully, admitted his brief time in the bargaining stage, begging for Kyo to come back to him…
And Toshiya knew that he’d been through the depression, sitting at home and reading those horribly titled books, as Die had told him, although that summoned up an even more horrific image than the bargaining did. If he’d learned only one thing about Kaoru, it was that the man always liked to keep his dignity and felt lost and disorientated without it: Kyo, having effectively ripped out Kaoru’s heart and then stamped it into the luxuriously fluffy hearth rug, had cost him that.
“It would have been alright,” Kaoru confided quietly, “Except he made me look so foolish. I mean…he was so shameless. He went cold almost overnight; he started staying out all night and never telling me where he went. Oh, on some level I knew – of course I knew.” He shook his head a little bitterly, “But I just couldn’t bring myself to confront him. I didn’t want to find out. And when he told me that he was leaving me for somebody else, I was still shocked. He told me, and I lost him all over again.”

He’d set Toshiya up perfectly for the part of the soothing, understanding best friend figure – the shoulder to cry on, so to speak – who was there for lashings of sympathy and pure unconditional affection, but Toshiya didn’t really feel like being that person. It felt fake, even though he truly felt bad for Kaoru, because every ‘relationship’ he’d ever had, he’d begun it by being the pretty bronze cup for his clients to bleed into.
It was a comparison that scared him a little. If he’d known as much as Kaoru did about ancient history, he would have frightened himself even more by thinking that such bleeding cups had been beautiful, surely, but empty – empty to the point of being a complete vacuum, devoid even of air – until they filled themselves with the still-warm blood of the suffering. It was only that which gave them any substance at all; without it, they were ornaments.
Feeling sick, Toshiya rested his head on Kaoru’s shoulder and hoped that, with that small gesture, he would convey everything he was feeling too ill to say. He thought that if he opened his mouth, he might either vomit or scream.
“Toshiya?”
Kaoru’s worried voice made him feel even worse.
“Toshiya, you’ve gone pale.” A warm hand gently felt his cold forehead, and Toshiya let himself relax into the touch for just a moment before forcing a smile, bringing his hands up to his face and quickly pinching his cheeks, forcing the colour back into them.
“Sorry,” he breathed, “I just…what Kyo did was so awful.”
His words, cheap tools as they were, achieved their desired effect: Kaoru’s hand slid down to cup the abused skin of Toshiya’s cheek, and he smiled beautifully.
“You are so sweet,” he said sincerely, bringing the blood back to Toshiya’s face far more effectively than a sly pinch. Delicately, Toshiya laid his own hand on top of Kaoru’s; shifting slightly, he faced his client head-on. He couldn’t help but smile at how the slight rocking of the boat caused Kaoru to hastily extend his free arm to try and balance – or to push the impending water away, perhaps – and, as he closed his eyes in embarrassment at having laughed – what was wrong with him, anyway? – Kaoru’s touch changed and a pair of soft lips caught his. It was a touch light as breath that, he was sure, had managed to send a shiver down every single nerve he had; it was so unexpected that a tiny, involuntary whimpering noise slid from his throat, and Kaoru’s hands glided smoothly from his face to his hair.

All of a sudden Toshiya thought that it was cold, far too cold, and the only way to remedy that was to get as close as possible to the man sitting opposite him. He wanted to feel bad, to prove to himself that he had even a shred of conscience left, but he couldn’t; not when Kaoru’s tongue was hesitantly pressing against his lower lip and his client’s hands were so tentatively tangling themselves in his hair, making him feel like he was small again and being comforted by a pair of hands that was infinitely stronger and more capable than his own. It was a peculiar feeling, especially considering the circumstances: he was supposed to be helping Kaoru, not the other way around – and they’d kissed before, but never like this. Never had Toshiya felt the way he did at that moment, with every inch of his soul reaching out to stroke Kaoru’s; their lips parted and Toshiya let his head tilt back gracefully, exposing the long line of his throat to Kaoru’s lips.
His neck had always been a weak spot, always, and he could feel his chest beginning to tighten and then—
And then he made himself pull back; he forced himself to, smiling shakily at Kaoru and smoothing his hair with trembling hands.
“I wasn’t too—?” Kaoru started, concerned, but Toshiya cut off his words with an anxious shake of his head. He felt overwhelmingly comfortable, despite the conflicting feelings of arousal and guilt that were stirring argumentatively in the pit of his stomach; sighing, he rested his head back on Kaoru’s shoulder and snuggled into the other man’s arms.
“You were perfect,” he said truthfully, punctuating his words with a light kiss to Kaoru’s earlobe, “I just…I really don’t want to rush things, Kaoru, not with you, and I don’t want to get stuck with…you know.” He grinned, motioning between his thighs shyly, and though Kaoru’s soft laugh broke the tension, Toshiya suddenly felt like bursting into tears.

So, as far as business went, the day had been a roaring success. On the way back to the city, though, Toshiya began to feel more and more disconcerted by his own inability to tell the difference between what was scripted and what was reality, and he had a powerful sense of only just being able to hold something within him. Too weakened by that feeling of just-barely-there restraint, Toshiya ignored his normal rules and directed Kaoru back to his building, something he had never done with a client before. He kissed him goodbye at the door and steadily, with a smile still fixed as stiffly on his face as something painted on a doll, he climbed the stairs and let himself in.
The door closed with a quiet click behind him, and he slid down it despondently. He wasn’t crying – he refused to do that – but his breath kept getting caught in his throat and coming out in strange, strangled sobs, and he squeezed his eyes closed rather than look at his empty apartment. 


A/N: 1. Well, this is the last of the chapters I had written previously. From this point on, I'm ridin' solo.
2. Jesus, that was all it took to put the Jason Derulo song in my head. I'M FEELIN' LIKE A STAR YOU CAN'T STOP MY SHINE

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