Hey, nice to see a new face and also, thanks for the criticism. I'm not one to shy away from some good advice, so cheers, and I'll try to act upon what you said.
I think I'd tend to agree with you. I get a bit carried away sometimes, but nobody can read your work like an outsider, eh?
I've written up to chapter 21 at present, so hopefully from that point I might be able to improve.